I used to have a proclivity for excessive apologies.

If I felt an interaction fading, I’d say sorry for being so boring. If someone helped solve one of my problems, I’d say sorry for being such a failure. If someone was unexpectedly generous with their efforts, I’d say sorry for wasting your time.

If someone told me to stop apologising, I’d say ah okay… sorry.

But recently, I’ve found that in many cases it’s much better to replace “sorry” with “thank you”. For example:

• Sorry for being so boring -> Thank you for spending time with me.
• Sorry for being such a failure -> Thank you for helping me with my mistake.
• Sorry for wasting your time -> Thank you for your efforts!

There are two main problems with excessively apologising. First, it conditions you resent yourself. You begin to see yourself as incapable, worthless and always to blame. The moment you change your dialogue to “thank you”, you begin to be more grateful for the situation. It also removes any guilt from the interaction which the other party might be uncomfortable with. The event hasn’t changed at all, but the feeling is completely transformed.

Second, too many apologies begin to lose their worth over time. If you apologise for everything, it’s impossible to tell when you are being truly apologetic since you do it so often. It’s like a form of inflation. On the other hand, if you reserve your apologies for genuine moments of heartfelt apology, the effect is much more profound.

Of course, there’s a time and place for genuine apologies. If you have truly wronged somebody or want to show sympathy, “sorry” is a great tool to show this. But for the other times, it might be worth considering whether our response to a question could be rephrased as a “thank you”.