Eric Tian

Today marks the last day of September 2019 and oh boy, am I relieved to say farewell to it. If I had to describe this month in one word it would be: tiring. For the first time in my life, I experienced the feeling of burnout and how it feels to chronically be in a zombie state. But alas, I am well and recovered and I’d like to take a moment to step back and be grateful for the things I have in my life.

It never really struck me until I was preparing for med interviews, but I am really lucky to be where I am now. UniMelb is the top University in Australia and it sometimes amazes me just how qualified some of my lecturers are – some are almost celebrities in the fields they work in. Melbourne is such a convenient city filled with countless opportunities and I’m lucky to be able to even have options of what I want to pursue as a career. I can’t imagine how much it cost for my family to leave China, start up a new life in Australia and work to be able to support my move to Melbourne.

I’ve also been very fortunate to have met some amazing people. People who have such an enormous heart for serving others. People with a faith so strong that can move mountains. People who are much wiser and more knowledgeable than me who are ready to give advice when I need it. I am incredibly blessed to have a great support network around me.  

And what did I do to deserve this? Honestly, nothing. I was simply born into this family and given these opportunities on a silver platter. Most of the best decisions I’ve ever made were made by my family and I’m incredibly fortunate that they knew what was best for me. A lot of the friends I have now I just kind of fell into and it’s honestly by God’s grace that I fell into a great bunch of people.

There are a lot of other things which I could be grateful
for – the ability to learn, see, run, etc. but I think this is sentimental
enough. I pray that as I enter October and embark on the final leg of my undergrad
degree, I’ll remember to count my blessings and not be too anxious about
anything that comes my way.

A few days ago, I went through some of my old journals and stumbled across an entry from 2013. It was the day before my first junior nationals for table tennis and I’d just landed in Victoria with the rest of my squad. I was representing WA in the Under 15 Boys Team and was excited to compete against other states.

That day, the squad went to the stadium in Kilsyth to get some practice in the hall. When I stepped inside for the first time and looked around, I was shocked. All the other athletes looked so good. Their forehands, footwork and agility seemed so high above the WA standard – my standard – and the more I watched, the more I felt my confidence levels plummeting. That night, I wrote in my journal:

“I’m pretty scared. I don’t think I deserve to be here.”

28th September 2013 (age 14)

This was quite a vivid case of imposter syndrome, but I’ve noticed similar feelings in other facets of my life. For my running group, I’ve always been the slowest guy in the squad and I sometimes I wonder if I should even be there. At my work, I occasionally fear someone will realise just how unqualified I am to be purifying proteins and call me out on it. And when I do something I shouldn’t, I sometimes get the sneaky thought of, “You’re not good enough to be a Christian.”

These experiences have been great teachers and I’ve taken two main lessons away. When I have imposter syndrome, it means that:

1. I’m too outward-looking.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

Theodore Roosevelt, former American president

In all these experiences, I’ve found myself comparing my standards to other peoples’. If I felt my standard was lower than what was expected of me, imposter doubts began to trickle in. What if I instead looked more inward and reminded myself of my ability to learn and adapt? I’d imagine I would begin to feel excited to rise to the challenge ahead of me rather than wonder why everyone else seems to do it fine.

2. I’m being pushed to perform at a high standard.

All these experiences have been in environments where I had to perform at a standard beyond my level – these then led to thoughts of inadequacy. But being asked to perform at a high standard can be a good thing, can it not? If I ever felt completely fine or even arrogant about my standing, I’d be complacent. If I didn’t have my running club to push me, I’d be at a lower fitness level than I’m at now. Likewise, if I didn’t go to junior nationals to witness the standard of other states, I wouldn’t have been able to rise to the pressure and set higher goals for myself in later years.

So, thoughts of imposter syndrome can be quite exciting as it indicates an opportunity to learn, grow and overcome new hurdles. All it takes is a little shift in perspective.