Eric Tian

In 2014, a team of psychologists found that feedback could be 40% more effective by prefacing it with these 19 words:

“I’m giving you these comments because I have very high expectations and I know that you can reach them.”. This is in contrast to the traditional feedback sandwich, where constructive criticism is masked between two layers of compliments. Not a great way of giving feedback, it turns out. If anything, feedback sandwiches benefit the giver more than the receiver, as they feel that no feelings have been hurt.

A 40% increase is a lot, especially for just a few seconds. I think part of the effectiveness lies in:

1. Knowing that the feedback is genuine, with no artificial compliments.
2. Feeling that somebody is truly behind your back.

A much better formula for constructive feedback.

My father is sleeping
On our battered couch.
It is midnight,
and I am a child again.

I think of his earlier years
Eating on broken tables,
Empty pockets, but
Full hearts.
Spiders lurking in corners,
Observing him leaving before dawn,
And arriving post dusk.

His worn out face trembles a little.

I stare at his blistered hands,
Which moulded our lives,
And feel his gentle snores
Vibrating into my chest.
He sleeps like a rock,
Deeper than the ocean,
Travel-weary.

How long you stayed awake
All those years, guiding us,
Through turmoils and helplessness,
Creating lessons that will last
Past eternity.

Sleep, papa.
I hope that in this couch,
You dream well.
I am watching over you.
My time has come at last.

It was midnight, September 2023, and the next day I was going to fail medical school.

In a few hours, my research presentation was due and I was woefully underprepared. A combination of factors including supervisors going on leave, missing data, and a woeful lack of expertise in the field meant my project didn’t do what it set out to do, and was littered with unverified results and conclusions. I felt nauseous, tachycardic, and short of breath. I began seeing myself out of my own body. I was in the midst of a panic attack.

Staring at my Powerpoint slides, it struck me that I could just end it all. A quick note to my loved ones, and a jump off the balcony – that’s all it would take. The presentation terrified me to my core.

It was one of my worst experiences of medical school. Yet probably the most transformative.

Because long story short, I passed. A solid pass as well, with the examiner recommending that I publish my data, with a few suggestions for change. I couldn’t believe it. And afterwards, it felt like anything that came my way could be overcome.

I realised then that all my greatest boosts in confidence in my life stemmed from immense struggle; being tested with the real possibility of failure. But these tests, I believe, help us to find and transform us into better beings.

From Kemi Sogunle, author and life coach:
“The tests we face in life’s journey are not to reveal our weaknesses but to help us discover our inner strengths. We can only know how strong we are when we strive and thrive beyond the challenges we face.”

Avoiding failure is often better than shooting at goals. I have written about this in chess, but I think it also applies to other domains. One method to do this is the inversion technique.

For example: “I want to be fitter in 2024”.

A fine goal, but vague, for one can easily be distracted by protein powder, gym locations, what shoes to buy. Focusing on everything but the actual exercising. Instead, ask yourself, how would you theoretically become the most unfit person of yourself?

1. Never sleep
2. Eat lots of junk food
3. Never exercise
4. Be around lazy people

Inversing this gives us a good starting point:

1. Get quality sleep
2. Eat clean
3. Exercise
4. Find a community that prioritises health

Or an example closer to home: “I want to be a better writer in 2024”.

How would you ensure you become a worse writer in 2024?

1. Never write
2. Never read
3. Write about dull things

The inversion technique gives us some simple starting points:

1. Write
2. Read
3. Write about things that interest you

I’d say these are fine starting points.

Before assessing complex solutions, look at avoiding disaster.