A new Chinese restaurant opened downstairs last week. Whenever I walked past, it looked clean, well furnished and filled with customers. Tonight, I decided to try it.

I grabbed a menu from the counter and waited in line. Glancing through it, everything seemed to be in order. The usual dishes: fried rice, egg and tomato, soy sauce braised pork, stir-fried vegetables, were all available at a reasonable price. But the more I looked, the more an uneasy feeling grew inside me.

There were no typos.

Every word on the menu was spelt correctly. The address, the dishes, even the allergy warning. And to my mild horror, the menu looked neat: a clear font on a dirtless sheet of white, laminated A4. No crinkles or faded letters. It was a concerningly good looking menu.

There’s a rule for authentic Chinese restaurants: their menus are riddled with mistakes. I would even go so far to hypothesise that the worse grammar a restaurant has, the better chance you have of getting the real deal.

But it was too late to back out. I had made it to the front of the line and the cashier was looking at me expectantly. I reluctantly ordered one of their sets: sweet and sour tofu soup with braised pork on rice. Safe, classic dishes. Can’t go wrong.

Except it did go wrong. Here’s a list of some of the red flags:

• The dishes had were cooked in far too little oil. The fried egg that came with the rice tasted bland and soft – I suspect it had been partially boiled. True Chinese fried eggs taste like they’ve been deep fried.
• The food came in cardboard boxes instead of bowls. This gave it the appearance of a frozen meal from a high school cafeteria. All Chinese restaurants serve their food in metal bowls or plates.
• Western pop music was blazing on the stereo. I have nothing against Katy Perry, but California Gurls is not a song that belongs in a Chinese restaurant.
• The restaurant did not provide chopsticks. This was by far the greatest sin and requires no further explanation.

To give some credit, it was a fine meal. The lack of oil definitely made it healthier than most restaurants, the waiters were friendly and prompt, and the interior was clean and well spaced.

But it was not a Chinese meal – not by a long shot. And the thing that gave it away? The menu with perfect spelling.