1. “Just be honest”

Remember: what you say never matters. What matters is what the person hears. People filter things through context and their internal state, so if someone feels insecure and thinks you’re out to get them, everything you say will be interpreted as an assertion of dominance, even if you are giving genuine praise or criticism.

Not advocating for lying here (though I think we generally overestimate how much truth we want). But better advice is,

Read the room, and adjust.

What they hear > what you say.

2. “Be kind”

True, if being kind actually meant being kind, and not nice. And I think many people confuse being nice for kindness.

A kind person will tell you that you have spinach in your teeth and maybe suggest seeing a dentist. A nice person won’t because it feels uncomfortable. Heck, they might even say you look great.

For certain situations, being just nice is fine. Being genuinely kind to everybody is terribly exhausting. It forces you to consider what is best for somebody else, rather than just nodding and smiling. But remember that being nice is often cowardice and laziness formatted in a socially acceptable manner. In the long run, you want kind people on your side, not just nice ones. And if you cared for others, you would be kind to them, which means acting in their best interest. So better advice is,

Be (actually) kind.

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These two modified adages, on some level, appear contradictory. The first suggests that honesty is not always required, but the second places truth on a higher pedestal than another person’s feelings.

The distinguishing factor is in the intent. For “Just be honest”, if you say something simply because it is true, and maybe you get a kick out of being right, you are being, for lack of a better word, an asshole. Honesty without genuine healing intent can be painful and unproductive. Read the room.

For “Be kind” (i.e. “be nice”), if the true intent of your actions is from fear of an uncomfortable situation, you are not truly helpful. Which, in many instances, is fine. But if the intent is genuine and you deeply care for them, you will act in their best interest, which often means telling the truth. That is true kindness.