Disclaimer: This post is taken from one of my journal entries last week and is thus more unstructured and personal than usual. Welcome to one of my more chaotic ramblings.

Neuroticism (noun): One of the Big Five higher-order personality traits in the study of psychology, defined as the tendency to experience frequent and intense negative emotions accompanied by a perceived inability to cope with such experiences. Individuals who score high on neuroticism are more likely than average to be moody and to experience feelings such as anxiety, worry, fear, anger, frustration, envy, jealousy, guilt, depressed mood, and loneliness.

If I had to plot my levels of neuroticism over the last 4 years, it’d look something like this:

2017 – The year of new beginnings. Entering a new city, starting a new degree, a chance for a new identity. And with that chance came a longing to prove to the world my academic abilities. I worked hard – harder than I’d ever worked before – studying until ridiculous hours and obsessing over assignments worth 5%. Although my desire to succeed at University was strong, I still carved out some time for extracurriculars and having a social life. I stood on the border between healthy and neurotic.

2018 – Despite my efforts, I disappointed myself with my grades in 2017. And so, 2018 brought along with it a greater dose of neuroticism. I gave up many extracurriculars from the previous year and devoted even more time obsessing over every detail in lecture slides. I devoured personal development books, tried every ‘study hack’ I could find and prioritised my grades over my physical, spiritual and mental health. My moods fluctuated heavily with my grades and an assessment mark <80% could ruin my week. And so, despite burnout, a lot of lonely nights and a non-existent social life, I continued to grind and became highly neurotic.

2019 – Finally, I’d achieved the grades I wanted. By 2019, I’d figured out the best study methods for me and as a result, the amount of time I spent studying slowly decreased.

However, the cost I had to pay was immense. I forgot how to socialise, be a friend and didn’t have anything worth to show apart from my grades. And so, I hesitantly ventured out to other activities. Being a better friend. Helping out in church. Joining the University athletics team. Starting this blog. Reading more. And for the first time in 2 years, my studies no longer took first priority in my life. I was content doing just well enough to be considered competitive for my post-graduate options, but nothing more. I began to develop wider interests and my neuroticism levels decreased into a healthy level.

Present – Now, my neuroticism levels have reached an unprecedented low. This was and is still surprising to me – I thought that starting the prestigious course of medicine would do something to make me become more neurotic about my studies. However, the exact opposite happened: the ‘just-good-enough’ attitude from my Biomed degree carried through and I’ve started studying the bare minimum to get a reasonable mark, not a scratch more. Of course, since medicine is a career which demands technical excellence and a strong grasp over many different topics, this level of apathy I’ve reached is particularly problematic.

As I’m writing this, my end-of-semester exam covering >120 lectures is less than 2 weeks away and I’m 4 days behind my study timetable. And the thing is, I don’t really care. The 2017 or 2018 me would’ve been freaking out by this point but my emotional radar is flat-lining. These days, I sometimes wonder if I’ve crossed the fine line between emotional stability and emotional numbness.

Buddhist teachings fascinate me for this reason. While most secular schools of thought would agree that a certain level of passion is required for a meaningful life, Buddhism promotes this idea of liberation and non-attachment which is contrary to the status quo. While I doubt I’m going to become a Buddhist anytime soon, I’d love to talk to a Buddhist monk one day and ask how their path to enlightenment is going. I imagine their levels of neuroticism are much lower than mine and their insight to the dilemma of balancing emotional stability and numbness could be valuable. Plus, it’s always fun to make a new friend.

So, I guess I’m on a quest for neuroticism. I don’t really know where this quest is heading: is the goal to reach my 2019 ‘healthy’ level of neuroticism or to reframe my current low levels in a different light? Who knows. But historically speaking, writing this down tends to be a step in the right direction. I guess we can only wait and see.