I’ve always been skeptical of people who tell me not to regret the past. The argument usually goes something like this:

1. You can’t change the past;
2. You didn’t know any better then;
3. The experience has shaped you into who you are now;
And so, you should be kind to yourself and treat it as a tool for learning.

In most cases, I agree. For example, I’m glad I burnt my hand against a hot stove when I was little, because now I know not to touch boiling stuff. I would never think of belittling younger Eric for this mistake.

But the difference between this and stuff I regret is the magnitude of loss for the mistake. Burning my hand was a valuable lesson but cost very little. My burn recovered the next day. On the other hand, some mistakes can cause unbelievable pain and loss; these should be avoided so as to never happen again.

Some of my biggest regrets include:

• Not spending more time with my dad before he passed, because now he’s gone and I have so many things I wanted to say.
• Gaming instead of reading in my teens, because gaming did nothing good for me and wasted time.
• Neglecting strength training as an athlete, because now I’m injured and can’t run.

Because these mistakes cost so much, they are regrets. I can’t honestly say I’m grateful for any of these experiences because I wish they never happened. But they did, and so now the game is to prevent them from ever happening again.

Sometimes, it’s not enough to smile at the past and thank it for the lessons learnt. In extreme cases, you have to really internalise the pain and fully regret a decision so you don’t mess it up again. The more emotionally charged an experience, the more I learn from it.