In the middle of Year 9, I failed my first exam. It was for chemistry and having never failed an exam before, this came as a huge shock and I remember staring down at the number on my paper, stunned. Then reality hit and a disturbing thought crept into my mind: maybe I’m not as smart as I thought.

This chemistry exam forced my perceptions of cognitive ability to be re-evaluated. Before the exam, I held a fairly steady academic record, being a straight A student and achieving Dux of my primary school. Scoring above the class average was expected of me, by both everyone around me and myself.

But perhaps this steady academic record was what got me into trouble. In the days leading up to this chemistry exam, I wrote in my journal,

I really haven’t studied that much for this chem exam… but I’ll be fine right? Chem isn’t that hard. Lol.

Look, I was in Year 9

Instead of reflecting on my study techniques and work ethic that got me to this place, perhaps I let my academic standing get to my head. You’re smart enough. I might’ve whispered. Look at your exam history – you don’t need to study for this.

The Dunning-Kruger effect: a cognitive bias in which people assess their cognitive ability as greater than it is. It largely stems from both an overestimation of their abilities and a failure to recognise any lack in ability.

In the moments before the chemistry exam, I’ll call the state I was in as ‘Dunning-Kruger positive’, whereby my cognitive abilities were heavily overstated, even delusional. Directly after the chemistry exam, I’ll call the state ‘Dunning-Kruger negative’, whereby my cognitive limits are reflected upon and re-evaluated.

This exam begun a series of Dunning-Kruger cycles, in which ‘Dunning-Kruger positive’ and ‘negative’ states came and went. After the chemistry exam came a series of successful assessments, which unfortunately lead to a replacement of solid study habits with arrogance, a ‘positive’ state. Soon after, I began my Biomedicine degree in University and began performing poorly there, transitioning back from a ‘positive’ to a ‘negative’ state. Right now, having started medicine and realising how little I know versus what I need to know, I’m well and truly in the ‘negative’. However, this time I wonder if I’ll ever feel like I’ll come back to a ‘positive’, given the complexity of medicine.

Sometimes it’s easy to forget how we got to the places we are now. We misconstrue our history, ignoring key moments and forging erroneous causes. Was I smart in Year 9? Maybe, but it was definitely by no inherent means. Rather, it was through the hard work of my parents to fund my secondary education, who gave me opportunities to pursue extra-curriculars and who supported me through every step. Rather, it was through the teachers who inspired me to learn and guided my academic adolescence. Rather, it was through God, the creator of heaven and Earth, who gave the greatest privilege of life. To ignore these factors would not just be arrogant, but pathologically delusional.

This serves as a reminder for me to continuously reflect on my limitations and earnestly pray to overcome them. While there will almost certainly be times where I drift back to an arrogant state, I hope I’ll be able to recognize this and reassess my limitations – before I fail another exam, or worse.